Unlike others, I don't really look forward to the weekend. There is too much silence on the weekend and I find myself wondering where everyone is. I guess this is because I have no plans for weekends.
I am a very alone person. I suppose part of this is my own doing. I don't trust easily and therefore I don't let others get too close to me in the "real world." You can get burned that way.
But I do want to let someone into my life. Just one or two people. I sometimes pretend I have close friends.
That's right. I pretend. I think my family sometimes forgets me. That makes holidays hard to handle. They are busy and wrapped up in their own families and lives. So I find myself not only alone but lonely during this time of the year.
The last two years I did not handle being alone well at all. To an extreme, I tried to end my existence two years in a row at this time. But I won't let this happen this year.
I am putting on a face of sorts. When asked, I let my family know that I have someone in my life who is special to me. I let them believe I wouldn't be alone this year. I want them to think I'm as "normal" as they are with someone who doesn't truly exist.
Why do I make stuff up? To friends I say that my family is the most supportive group and that they'd never let me down. But whether intentionally or not, they do. They leave me to be alone and thus comes loneliness.
To my family, I let them know I have the best friends in the world. I let them believe that I am loved and part of a group.
It's probably little wonder that I am a lone. Everyone believes someone is there for me - family thinks friends; friends think family.
Many days I like to be alone. I have grown to be eccentric in many ways. There are ways about me that are unlike anyone else. Sometime I will write more about this.
However, this weekend I don't really want to be alone. I wish I just had one person to spend time with. I would be able to put my busy mind at rest.
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