...has to come down. Last week started as a very direct and amazing ride of good luck. Over the weekend it began to be more reckless with my temper on the edge and my future focus becoming blurrier. There are several triggers, but at the head of the pack is money issues. I have no money.
I don't know if I will ever get ahead. I try and as soon as something seems to be working, I start to falter and lose more than what I have gained.
I started turning my wheels on the weekend and spent countless hours trying to figure out what it was I needed to do. This dwelling on money cost me two nights of sleep. I need my sleep hygiene - a regular pattern of sleep - to perform at my best. But I forged ahead without the sleep. And then I became irritable. I'm not nice to be around when I am this way. I snap at innocent remarks...I had to force myself to remove myself from people and events that were sure to set me off. But the kindest remark can be the ignition to my burst of temper.
My temper is devastating. I have made grown men cry with the barb of my sharp tongue. In fury, my 5'3" self can stand 8' tall. People in my path feel they need to take cover.
Recognizing where I was headed, I made a lot of changes to my thought direction by getting involved with tidbits of news here and there. I prayed and asked that I LET God into my life to guide and protect me. But I can be so confused about god too.
God is...., right? God has no gender, right? God is with us 24/7, right?
So I soared high and then the first hurdle of the week was cleared. An immense sense of relief washed over me. Once again I could sleep and shut down my overactive brain. For one night I was able to shut down all thoughts and catch up on precious sleep.
But then I sensed I was driving upward again. To be so afraid of what is too high and what is too low is always a constant worry in my life's experience. Am I too happy? Am I too sad? Maybe my sadness or happiness has a good reason and just about anyone would feel like I do???
So I drove high again on Tuesday night after a day of running around on Tuesday, an unproductive day. I thought Tuesday I'd go to the doctor, get my physical, and walk away with papers saying I could drive again. HA! They weren't prepared at the doctor's office. They weren't able to proceed with the appointment because they had failed to get the previous doctor's paperwork. I was put in a position where I had to correct their error. I was put on a wild goose chase. I think I now know what needs to be done to complete a simple task, but I'm so tired now.
Wednesday I set out to accomplish two goals. I had a job interview that I wanted to nail. I left the interview with no idea as to how well (or not well) I was received. But I had spent the last of my energy. My appointment to gather paperwork from the DOT to help the doctor out was cancelled. All I wanted to do was to crawl into bed. So I gave in...
In IMPROVE...V stands for vacation. I took a short vacation from my week's worries. For fifteen to thirty minutes I just melted away. And initially it felt good.
Returning to my problems I tried to at least manage what I can manage at the moment. I did some simple cleaning. Not nearly enough...
I addressed Christmas cards in the hopes that the distraction would take me away from other real problems that only substantial time will rectify...it wasn't enough.
I entertained my sister for a brief while this morning. I assured her I was doing well, and I was while she was here...but it wasn't enough.
Tonight I'm feeling the urge to succumb to my desire to isolate and withdraw. But I can't dwell there. The lows are so much more horrible than the highs. In the lows I become very scared of myself. So now I am searching through my toolbox of methods I use to alleviate such emotion.
I like to write, so I'm writing.
I can't write all night. So I'll next check out Facebook....maybe not.
I will again try to pray for god to just be in my life. I learned last summer never to expect god, but to accept god. I'm so tempted to make demands of god though. But what I really want is to feel the burden lift from my shoulders a bit.
O in IMPROVE means one-mindful. I can listen to some Native American Flute to relax my mind and let it be emptied.
And the hardest part for me right now is to offer myself Encouragement. But I can tell myself, You are fighting the good fight. You can win. You will learn from it no matter what. You can get through this.
What a fight it is to return or stop a low!
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