ME!
I did my exercises last night before bed. I dedicate a half hour of exercise each day. During this time, I copy songs from YouTube onto my home page of FB. I direct myself as to what to do for each song. I start the exercise with a set of stretches and pushups. On the next song, I instruct myself to toughen my stomach muscles through sit ups and leg exercises. Next, I spend one longer song doing aerobic exercises. Lastly I chill and stretch to a fourth song. It allows me to concentrate on being a healthier person. My mind can relax from the worries of the day.
After exercising and relaxing I decided to pinpoint the trigger that was the greatest for my seemingly deeper low part of my cycle. At the root of all evil is money. I never have enough money. But I did make some needed use of the little money I have. You see. I have been selling my gold since August. This consists of taking my gold necklaces, bracelets, and rings to a store that pays to melt down the gold for their own profit. I had sold most of my gold in September to pay for bills. I held onto pieces that were the most sentimental to me. These were mostly pieces from siblings and my father over the years. I had sold all of what I was comfortable selling at the start of November. But there was one set: a necklace, set of earrings, and a ring; that I held onto with the hope that eventually I'd get a good job and could afford to keep these last pieces. But I needed money now and a job still awaits some time into the future. So I took my last pieces and completed the job. I sold what I thought were the most valuable pieces for a meager $50.
With this money, I saved about half for living expenses. Since my sister kindly gave me a month's supply of food for Christmas, I didn't have to worry about that aspect of my bills. So I bought some pop, cigarettes, and a MasterCard worth $25. The MasterCard went to paying for the transfer of transcripts to Iowa State University to add to my application process for graduate studies. I truly want my education! So why buy pop and cigarettes?
I have over the year let go of all my addictions except two. I no longer drink alcohol, nor do I compulsively shop (a huge addiction for me.) I don't use drugs and never truly have as I know I have an addictive personality. My cigarettes and pop consumption are what remains of my habits. But to live without either makes me extremely irritable and stressful for me. They are hard for me to relinquish without a complete setback of all my symptoms. Maybe here I am just justifying; maybe not. I know no one likes habit-free Amy. Trust me.
Though money is the root of all evil in my life, this was not my number one trigger for December 11. Instead, it was my number two set-off. Number one was the media frenzy regarding the man who signed at Mandela's wake. The man at first was said to be a joke; an untrained sign language interpreter for the deaf community. But he revealed his usually maintained symptoms of schizophrenia had come to play under the stress of the day. He was not a joke.
The knowledge that he has schizophrenia sparked worldwide concern that such a man was within reach of the president; within reach of world leaders. But he had not acted violent; merely frozen in his place as he sorted through his hallucinations. But the fear he provoked was astounding!
Where is the nation's empathy? At least where is its sympathy? Had the man suffered from physical health would it have elicited the same response? What if he had thrown up verses struggled with a psychiatric symptom? But the fear of the man because of his condition is the very fuel to stigma that I fight every day. The man, though sick at the time, is working a job. People should be excitedly proud of his efforts.
With that elephant off my chest, I was able to finally put to words on Facebook my sentiments. I asked my friends had he been sick from some other illness would he have received the same censure?
I am embarking on finding a job myself. In past efforts, I have learned that by saying I'm disabled because of mental illness/disease I myself elicit fear and dread. I have thought in the past to not mention my sickness. But this has come back to haunt me after I'm hired. How can I then inform the hiring party that I may need accommodations? So I'm tackling the problem upfront as a matter of fact. I simply state, "I do have two mental illnesses. I am currently in recovery and take steps each day to maintain this state. This is what I can do for you to insure you are hiring a quality employee. However, I'd like to be accommodated in the following way. I may need a five minute time to deep breath every two to three hours as I learn the new job - a stressful time. When accustomed to the job, I will most likely need less time." I feel that this is a reasonable request. It is then up to the hiring party to accept this interview as a solid indication that I am a match for the occupation. I then pray that this information is not used against me. But often I can see on the face of the employer that I just tapped into their fear. There is no easy way to tell someone you have mental illness. This too is the stigma that I fight each day.
In any event, I was able to boost myself last night before bed having pinpointed my triggers: money, stigma, and future employment. I changed my need to shut down completely by exercising my body and keeping it moving. I was then able to take my medication on time and sleep my fully needed hours of sleep. I awakened on schedule (schedule is a must) and have been successfully preparing for my day. I am pleased to announce my management skills for recovery do work. It just takes effort on my part.
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