I know when I'm down I need to keep moving like ...it is just another day. Though it takes more effort, I need to keep to my routine. But to jump start getting back on track I had to start from step one. The doc says when down, fake it til you make it. So I put myself in action. I stepped outside and enjoyed the cool breeze on my cheeks. I took a short walk and just tried to let all bad thoughts and any thoughts for that matter leave my head. It worked for a while.
When done with my walk I sat down and looked at my next step. It said I should beautify my apartment. I gathered the trash and took it to the dumpster. I felt one more step closer to stability. Next I decided to wash all of my dishes. My doc says if I can switch my senses from touch and sight to the sense of smelling I can bring myself back to a rational state. I decided to start with a warm shower and used great smelling soaps, shampoos, and lotions. I started to feel better. Then I texted a friend - I have exactly two at this stage of my recovery. One answered back. I really appreciate the friendship we have, even if it is long distance. I took my meds and went to bed on time. In bed, my gloom started to return. So I got up and decided to make my meal for the following day, chicken filets with seasoning and then bathed in tomato sauce. Though I didn't eat it at that time, it filled my apartment with yummy smelling aroma. I put it in the refrigerator and actually felt tired. So I returned to bed where I got my eight hours of sleep.
I awakened at my usual hour. I felt some tinges of depression but decided not to let it defeat me. I went to my computer and emailed some close siblings. As they responded with words of encouragement, I began to feel better. I called each who had responded to my email and thanked each one. I felt better about myself for doing something positive.
And now I'm here. I have decided to take a short break before tackling maybe one more cleaning chore. I do have several that started to accumulate when I was at my lowest. But my schedule I set for each day says I need at least a half hour break for lunch. I'm sticking to my schedule.
I think what I am trying to say is that one should build a "tool box" of things that work when one is feeling good. When one begins to go off track, revisit that toolbox and pull out some coping skills that are sure to get the ball rolling in the right direction. Though it is a struggle at first, it helps the extremes feel a little less extreme. At all times, keep striving for stability. When I can like and be my own best friend, the others will follow. If I can do this, anyone can do this. What are your techniques to staying stable or fighting your way through the extremes? We will all have them. But we don't need to let those moments completely own us.
I'm not 100% today. I still hear the demons trying to fight me down. But I'm fighting the battle. One step at a time and in the long run I will win.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Self Esteem is Vital to Recover
Self esteem rules:
Add one to three more for your purposes.
1.
I will not wait for someone to come to my
aid. I’m not helpless. Although help may come, I’m my own
rescuer. My relationships will
dramatically improve when I stop rescuing others and stop expecting others to
rescue me.
2.
I will tell myself that I’m lovable. Just because some people haven’t been able to
love me in ways that worked doesn’t mean that I’m unlovable. I’ve had lessons to learn, and some of them
have hurt deeply, but I can still love, and I still am loved.
3.
I will honor, cherish, and love myself. When I get confused about what to do, I just have
to remember that I need to be true to myself.
I will break free from the hold others-and their expectations-have on
me. I’m not a piece of shit.
4.
I will tell myself that who I am is okay, and
that what I am doing is good enough. Of course I make mistakes and get off
track sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not as good as everyone
else. No one is perfect, and that’s just
fine.
5.
I will let go of my need for approval and my
need to be liked. Instead, I will choose to like and approve of myself. The people who count (including me) will
respect me when I’m true to who I really am.
Add one to three more for your purposes.
Monday, December 16, 2013
A good day...
I had stumbled slightly over the weekend. I had some moments of doubt. But I then remember my new skills. I slowed down and gave myself a vacation.
During my vacation I made sure to tell myself I'm relaxed now and I can be free to be me. I stayed mostly to myself but jotted a few things I'd like to do on vacation. For starters, I wanted to at least view Mass on YouTube. I'm not a fan of going and being so close to those around me. But YouTube, the source of everything visual, I was able to participate in Mass from home.
Another thing I wanted to do during my vacation was take a bubble bath. I filled the tub with warm water and aromatic scents. I felt relaxed and even beautiful.
Today I've ended my vacation. I am answering emails, talking about deflating stigma, and taking care of my basic needs. I am ready for anyone who may call.
I am hopeful that I've secured a new job, but can only be certain when they call. I'm prepared if they do not call. I have to be prepared. The rejection has hurt me in the past. But I've made a plan.
I went back to the site and looked at other job openings. There are others to pick from. I chose a couple and sent out my application. I await with hope that they will see me as a good candidate for a job with them.
I began to prioritize my want list. There are so many needs and wants on my list. All depends on when I get money and how much. (If I could secure that job.) I have to assume I'm still on a budget that pays me $1300 a month. Reality says there isn't much I can do about it. So I've prioritized my list. Of course I have to take into consideration my musts. I must pay rent, electricity, phone, groceries, and gas. This sadly does not leave very much for the other needs and wants. So I'm preparing myself to do without for now.
Now is a serious time for me to Let God into my life. I don't know exactly who god is in human terms. In faith, I believe god to be a 24/7 protector and to be benevolent. I believe god helps me get through the difficult times by sharing the weight. I believe god gives me wings so I can fly over and clear obstacles.
There is no doubt that I believe in Jesus. Jesus taught us how to love and to go through him to reach god. I believe in Jesus and through Jesus I will see that many of my goals will come to fruition.
During my vacation I made sure to tell myself I'm relaxed now and I can be free to be me. I stayed mostly to myself but jotted a few things I'd like to do on vacation. For starters, I wanted to at least view Mass on YouTube. I'm not a fan of going and being so close to those around me. But YouTube, the source of everything visual, I was able to participate in Mass from home.
Another thing I wanted to do during my vacation was take a bubble bath. I filled the tub with warm water and aromatic scents. I felt relaxed and even beautiful.
Today I've ended my vacation. I am answering emails, talking about deflating stigma, and taking care of my basic needs. I am ready for anyone who may call.
I am hopeful that I've secured a new job, but can only be certain when they call. I'm prepared if they do not call. I have to be prepared. The rejection has hurt me in the past. But I've made a plan.
I went back to the site and looked at other job openings. There are others to pick from. I chose a couple and sent out my application. I await with hope that they will see me as a good candidate for a job with them.
I began to prioritize my want list. There are so many needs and wants on my list. All depends on when I get money and how much. (If I could secure that job.) I have to assume I'm still on a budget that pays me $1300 a month. Reality says there isn't much I can do about it. So I've prioritized my list. Of course I have to take into consideration my musts. I must pay rent, electricity, phone, groceries, and gas. This sadly does not leave very much for the other needs and wants. So I'm preparing myself to do without for now.
Now is a serious time for me to Let God into my life. I don't know exactly who god is in human terms. In faith, I believe god to be a 24/7 protector and to be benevolent. I believe god helps me get through the difficult times by sharing the weight. I believe god gives me wings so I can fly over and clear obstacles.
There is no doubt that I believe in Jesus. Jesus taught us how to love and to go through him to reach god. I believe in Jesus and through Jesus I will see that many of my goals will come to fruition.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Unwell by Matchbox 20
 | Play Song |  |
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
Saturday, December 14, 2013
The weekend...
Unlike others, I don't really look forward to the weekend. There is too much silence on the weekend and I find myself wondering where everyone is. I guess this is because I have no plans for weekends.
I am a very alone person. I suppose part of this is my own doing. I don't trust easily and therefore I don't let others get too close to me in the "real world." You can get burned that way.
But I do want to let someone into my life. Just one or two people. I sometimes pretend I have close friends.
That's right. I pretend. I think my family sometimes forgets me. That makes holidays hard to handle. They are busy and wrapped up in their own families and lives. So I find myself not only alone but lonely during this time of the year.
The last two years I did not handle being alone well at all. To an extreme, I tried to end my existence two years in a row at this time. But I won't let this happen this year.
I am putting on a face of sorts. When asked, I let my family know that I have someone in my life who is special to me. I let them believe I wouldn't be alone this year. I want them to think I'm as "normal" as they are with someone who doesn't truly exist.
Why do I make stuff up? To friends I say that my family is the most supportive group and that they'd never let me down. But whether intentionally or not, they do. They leave me to be alone and thus comes loneliness.
To my family, I let them know I have the best friends in the world. I let them believe that I am loved and part of a group.
It's probably little wonder that I am a lone. Everyone believes someone is there for me - family thinks friends; friends think family.
Many days I like to be alone. I have grown to be eccentric in many ways. There are ways about me that are unlike anyone else. Sometime I will write more about this.
However, this weekend I don't really want to be alone. I wish I just had one person to spend time with. I would be able to put my busy mind at rest.
I am a very alone person. I suppose part of this is my own doing. I don't trust easily and therefore I don't let others get too close to me in the "real world." You can get burned that way.
But I do want to let someone into my life. Just one or two people. I sometimes pretend I have close friends.
That's right. I pretend. I think my family sometimes forgets me. That makes holidays hard to handle. They are busy and wrapped up in their own families and lives. So I find myself not only alone but lonely during this time of the year.
The last two years I did not handle being alone well at all. To an extreme, I tried to end my existence two years in a row at this time. But I won't let this happen this year.
I am putting on a face of sorts. When asked, I let my family know that I have someone in my life who is special to me. I let them believe I wouldn't be alone this year. I want them to think I'm as "normal" as they are with someone who doesn't truly exist.
Why do I make stuff up? To friends I say that my family is the most supportive group and that they'd never let me down. But whether intentionally or not, they do. They leave me to be alone and thus comes loneliness.
To my family, I let them know I have the best friends in the world. I let them believe that I am loved and part of a group.
It's probably little wonder that I am a lone. Everyone believes someone is there for me - family thinks friends; friends think family.
Many days I like to be alone. I have grown to be eccentric in many ways. There are ways about me that are unlike anyone else. Sometime I will write more about this.
However, this weekend I don't really want to be alone. I wish I just had one person to spend time with. I would be able to put my busy mind at rest.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Raising money and awareness...
I once held down three jobs at one time. Perhaps this was fueled by mania but mostly by my work ethic. I was raised to be a hard worker.
I once made a good living teaching, working part time as a clerk, and performing well in the Army Reserve. I was at my height. I was with pride in myself.
I once became so sick that I could no longer perform the simplest of jobs. Because of pre-existing conditions I was uninsured for four years.
I once had to sell all my assets to afford my health care. I forfeited my cd's and savings. I had lost everything.
In 2009, I was forced to address my mental health needs. At the time I was able to maintain a part time job as a clerk in drugstore. For ten hours a week at $8 an hour, I paid out of pocket though a loan for my psychiatric needs, other health needs, and monthly essentials such as shelter and food. I barely got by without significant help from my elderly parents. I was deemed severely mentally disabled.
Given the judge's ruling - not a doctor's - I was awarded SSDI. I took this with relief but also as a blow to my ego. Though I had paid into the system since beginning to work at age 16, I still felt yet more stigma knowing I was now at the mercy of the taxpayers.
Not all expenses are covered by the roughly $16K that I am allowed each year. I still have to pay a premium for the Medicaid that I receive. I still pay out of pocket roughly $50 a month for medication. There are still programs that do not accept Medicare or Medicaid. This means if I want the assistance, it needs to come out of pocket. But I can't afford recovery-wise to not take or make use of such services.
I take in about a twelve thousand allowance in benefits each month. With this I pay rent, utilities, groceries, gas, telephone, and yes - my internet - needs. There is nothing left over at the end of each month. Rather, I am usually out of month by the second or third week of the month and then start fighting like the devil to come up with more money. So what do I do?
I try (and very hard) to find employment. But like it or not, I fight stigmatization at every turn. Since jobs are not falling from my job tree, I do other things. Bit by bit I sell or pawn off my belongings. Many of these belongings hold sentimental value, but I have to stifle that and make myself some money. Occasionally I go dumpster-diving for cans which are redeemable for five cents in the state of Iowa. I can on a good month redeem the cans for about $10. But there is always the need for more money. What would I do with my money?
1. I'd further my education. I have the aptitude to return to school and secure my doctorate. With the credential, I could be a reckoning force to tear down stigma facing those with mental health issues.
2. I could pay back those who have floated me substantial loans through the past several years. I owe about one thousand dollars for their financial help.
3. I could sustain on Facebook my community page which reaches thousands each day that I write words of recovery, self-help, self-esteem, and recognition from others that all, each of us who are sick deserves as each person in life has meaning and belongs here.
4. I'd get a little ahead. That security that all of us seek regarding money would be in reach at least for a while.
I'm asking my readers to help me. I know in my heart that had I presented with heart issues or cancer that I would have solicited generous support. People seem to naturally gather around such persons with those illnesses. Could a person with mental illness also reach out to the hearts of others?
This is my hope. Show me you care. Go to this link and just donate $5 or at least give me a free "hug." Let me know you care and that I have your support.
https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/ftl3/road-to-recovery?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_stream.share&utm_campaign=dashboard_overview_T1&fb_ref=1640788
I once made a good living teaching, working part time as a clerk, and performing well in the Army Reserve. I was at my height. I was with pride in myself.
I once became so sick that I could no longer perform the simplest of jobs. Because of pre-existing conditions I was uninsured for four years.
I once had to sell all my assets to afford my health care. I forfeited my cd's and savings. I had lost everything.
In 2009, I was forced to address my mental health needs. At the time I was able to maintain a part time job as a clerk in drugstore. For ten hours a week at $8 an hour, I paid out of pocket though a loan for my psychiatric needs, other health needs, and monthly essentials such as shelter and food. I barely got by without significant help from my elderly parents. I was deemed severely mentally disabled.
Given the judge's ruling - not a doctor's - I was awarded SSDI. I took this with relief but also as a blow to my ego. Though I had paid into the system since beginning to work at age 16, I still felt yet more stigma knowing I was now at the mercy of the taxpayers.
Not all expenses are covered by the roughly $16K that I am allowed each year. I still have to pay a premium for the Medicaid that I receive. I still pay out of pocket roughly $50 a month for medication. There are still programs that do not accept Medicare or Medicaid. This means if I want the assistance, it needs to come out of pocket. But I can't afford recovery-wise to not take or make use of such services.
I take in about a twelve thousand allowance in benefits each month. With this I pay rent, utilities, groceries, gas, telephone, and yes - my internet - needs. There is nothing left over at the end of each month. Rather, I am usually out of month by the second or third week of the month and then start fighting like the devil to come up with more money. So what do I do?
I try (and very hard) to find employment. But like it or not, I fight stigmatization at every turn. Since jobs are not falling from my job tree, I do other things. Bit by bit I sell or pawn off my belongings. Many of these belongings hold sentimental value, but I have to stifle that and make myself some money. Occasionally I go dumpster-diving for cans which are redeemable for five cents in the state of Iowa. I can on a good month redeem the cans for about $10. But there is always the need for more money. What would I do with my money?
1. I'd further my education. I have the aptitude to return to school and secure my doctorate. With the credential, I could be a reckoning force to tear down stigma facing those with mental health issues.
2. I could pay back those who have floated me substantial loans through the past several years. I owe about one thousand dollars for their financial help.
3. I could sustain on Facebook my community page which reaches thousands each day that I write words of recovery, self-help, self-esteem, and recognition from others that all, each of us who are sick deserves as each person in life has meaning and belongs here.
4. I'd get a little ahead. That security that all of us seek regarding money would be in reach at least for a while.
I'm asking my readers to help me. I know in my heart that had I presented with heart issues or cancer that I would have solicited generous support. People seem to naturally gather around such persons with those illnesses. Could a person with mental illness also reach out to the hearts of others?
This is my hope. Show me you care. Go to this link and just donate $5 or at least give me a free "hug." Let me know you care and that I have your support.
https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/ftl3/road-to-recovery?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_stream.share&utm_campaign=dashboard_overview_T1&fb_ref=1640788
And the winner is...
ME!
I did my exercises last night before bed. I dedicate a half hour of exercise each day. During this time, I copy songs from YouTube onto my home page of FB. I direct myself as to what to do for each song. I start the exercise with a set of stretches and pushups. On the next song, I instruct myself to toughen my stomach muscles through sit ups and leg exercises. Next, I spend one longer song doing aerobic exercises. Lastly I chill and stretch to a fourth song. It allows me to concentrate on being a healthier person. My mind can relax from the worries of the day.
After exercising and relaxing I decided to pinpoint the trigger that was the greatest for my seemingly deeper low part of my cycle. At the root of all evil is money. I never have enough money. But I did make some needed use of the little money I have. You see. I have been selling my gold since August. This consists of taking my gold necklaces, bracelets, and rings to a store that pays to melt down the gold for their own profit. I had sold most of my gold in September to pay for bills. I held onto pieces that were the most sentimental to me. These were mostly pieces from siblings and my father over the years. I had sold all of what I was comfortable selling at the start of November. But there was one set: a necklace, set of earrings, and a ring; that I held onto with the hope that eventually I'd get a good job and could afford to keep these last pieces. But I needed money now and a job still awaits some time into the future. So I took my last pieces and completed the job. I sold what I thought were the most valuable pieces for a meager $50.
With this money, I saved about half for living expenses. Since my sister kindly gave me a month's supply of food for Christmas, I didn't have to worry about that aspect of my bills. So I bought some pop, cigarettes, and a MasterCard worth $25. The MasterCard went to paying for the transfer of transcripts to Iowa State University to add to my application process for graduate studies. I truly want my education! So why buy pop and cigarettes?
I have over the year let go of all my addictions except two. I no longer drink alcohol, nor do I compulsively shop (a huge addiction for me.) I don't use drugs and never truly have as I know I have an addictive personality. My cigarettes and pop consumption are what remains of my habits. But to live without either makes me extremely irritable and stressful for me. They are hard for me to relinquish without a complete setback of all my symptoms. Maybe here I am just justifying; maybe not. I know no one likes habit-free Amy. Trust me.
Though money is the root of all evil in my life, this was not my number one trigger for December 11. Instead, it was my number two set-off. Number one was the media frenzy regarding the man who signed at Mandela's wake. The man at first was said to be a joke; an untrained sign language interpreter for the deaf community. But he revealed his usually maintained symptoms of schizophrenia had come to play under the stress of the day. He was not a joke.
The knowledge that he has schizophrenia sparked worldwide concern that such a man was within reach of the president; within reach of world leaders. But he had not acted violent; merely frozen in his place as he sorted through his hallucinations. But the fear he provoked was astounding!
Where is the nation's empathy? At least where is its sympathy? Had the man suffered from physical health would it have elicited the same response? What if he had thrown up verses struggled with a psychiatric symptom? But the fear of the man because of his condition is the very fuel to stigma that I fight every day. The man, though sick at the time, is working a job. People should be excitedly proud of his efforts.
With that elephant off my chest, I was able to finally put to words on Facebook my sentiments. I asked my friends had he been sick from some other illness would he have received the same censure?
I am embarking on finding a job myself. In past efforts, I have learned that by saying I'm disabled because of mental illness/disease I myself elicit fear and dread. I have thought in the past to not mention my sickness. But this has come back to haunt me after I'm hired. How can I then inform the hiring party that I may need accommodations? So I'm tackling the problem upfront as a matter of fact. I simply state, "I do have two mental illnesses. I am currently in recovery and take steps each day to maintain this state. This is what I can do for you to insure you are hiring a quality employee. However, I'd like to be accommodated in the following way. I may need a five minute time to deep breath every two to three hours as I learn the new job - a stressful time. When accustomed to the job, I will most likely need less time." I feel that this is a reasonable request. It is then up to the hiring party to accept this interview as a solid indication that I am a match for the occupation. I then pray that this information is not used against me. But often I can see on the face of the employer that I just tapped into their fear. There is no easy way to tell someone you have mental illness. This too is the stigma that I fight each day.
In any event, I was able to boost myself last night before bed having pinpointed my triggers: money, stigma, and future employment. I changed my need to shut down completely by exercising my body and keeping it moving. I was then able to take my medication on time and sleep my fully needed hours of sleep. I awakened on schedule (schedule is a must) and have been successfully preparing for my day. I am pleased to announce my management skills for recovery do work. It just takes effort on my part.
I did my exercises last night before bed. I dedicate a half hour of exercise each day. During this time, I copy songs from YouTube onto my home page of FB. I direct myself as to what to do for each song. I start the exercise with a set of stretches and pushups. On the next song, I instruct myself to toughen my stomach muscles through sit ups and leg exercises. Next, I spend one longer song doing aerobic exercises. Lastly I chill and stretch to a fourth song. It allows me to concentrate on being a healthier person. My mind can relax from the worries of the day.
After exercising and relaxing I decided to pinpoint the trigger that was the greatest for my seemingly deeper low part of my cycle. At the root of all evil is money. I never have enough money. But I did make some needed use of the little money I have. You see. I have been selling my gold since August. This consists of taking my gold necklaces, bracelets, and rings to a store that pays to melt down the gold for their own profit. I had sold most of my gold in September to pay for bills. I held onto pieces that were the most sentimental to me. These were mostly pieces from siblings and my father over the years. I had sold all of what I was comfortable selling at the start of November. But there was one set: a necklace, set of earrings, and a ring; that I held onto with the hope that eventually I'd get a good job and could afford to keep these last pieces. But I needed money now and a job still awaits some time into the future. So I took my last pieces and completed the job. I sold what I thought were the most valuable pieces for a meager $50.
With this money, I saved about half for living expenses. Since my sister kindly gave me a month's supply of food for Christmas, I didn't have to worry about that aspect of my bills. So I bought some pop, cigarettes, and a MasterCard worth $25. The MasterCard went to paying for the transfer of transcripts to Iowa State University to add to my application process for graduate studies. I truly want my education! So why buy pop and cigarettes?
I have over the year let go of all my addictions except two. I no longer drink alcohol, nor do I compulsively shop (a huge addiction for me.) I don't use drugs and never truly have as I know I have an addictive personality. My cigarettes and pop consumption are what remains of my habits. But to live without either makes me extremely irritable and stressful for me. They are hard for me to relinquish without a complete setback of all my symptoms. Maybe here I am just justifying; maybe not. I know no one likes habit-free Amy. Trust me.
Though money is the root of all evil in my life, this was not my number one trigger for December 11. Instead, it was my number two set-off. Number one was the media frenzy regarding the man who signed at Mandela's wake. The man at first was said to be a joke; an untrained sign language interpreter for the deaf community. But he revealed his usually maintained symptoms of schizophrenia had come to play under the stress of the day. He was not a joke.
The knowledge that he has schizophrenia sparked worldwide concern that such a man was within reach of the president; within reach of world leaders. But he had not acted violent; merely frozen in his place as he sorted through his hallucinations. But the fear he provoked was astounding!
Where is the nation's empathy? At least where is its sympathy? Had the man suffered from physical health would it have elicited the same response? What if he had thrown up verses struggled with a psychiatric symptom? But the fear of the man because of his condition is the very fuel to stigma that I fight every day. The man, though sick at the time, is working a job. People should be excitedly proud of his efforts.
With that elephant off my chest, I was able to finally put to words on Facebook my sentiments. I asked my friends had he been sick from some other illness would he have received the same censure?
I am embarking on finding a job myself. In past efforts, I have learned that by saying I'm disabled because of mental illness/disease I myself elicit fear and dread. I have thought in the past to not mention my sickness. But this has come back to haunt me after I'm hired. How can I then inform the hiring party that I may need accommodations? So I'm tackling the problem upfront as a matter of fact. I simply state, "I do have two mental illnesses. I am currently in recovery and take steps each day to maintain this state. This is what I can do for you to insure you are hiring a quality employee. However, I'd like to be accommodated in the following way. I may need a five minute time to deep breath every two to three hours as I learn the new job - a stressful time. When accustomed to the job, I will most likely need less time." I feel that this is a reasonable request. It is then up to the hiring party to accept this interview as a solid indication that I am a match for the occupation. I then pray that this information is not used against me. But often I can see on the face of the employer that I just tapped into their fear. There is no easy way to tell someone you have mental illness. This too is the stigma that I fight each day.
In any event, I was able to boost myself last night before bed having pinpointed my triggers: money, stigma, and future employment. I changed my need to shut down completely by exercising my body and keeping it moving. I was then able to take my medication on time and sleep my fully needed hours of sleep. I awakened on schedule (schedule is a must) and have been successfully preparing for my day. I am pleased to announce my management skills for recovery do work. It just takes effort on my part.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Everything that goes up...
...has to come down. Last week started as a very direct and amazing ride of good luck. Over the weekend it began to be more reckless with my temper on the edge and my future focus becoming blurrier. There are several triggers, but at the head of the pack is money issues. I have no money.
I don't know if I will ever get ahead. I try and as soon as something seems to be working, I start to falter and lose more than what I have gained.
I started turning my wheels on the weekend and spent countless hours trying to figure out what it was I needed to do. This dwelling on money cost me two nights of sleep. I need my sleep hygiene - a regular pattern of sleep - to perform at my best. But I forged ahead without the sleep. And then I became irritable. I'm not nice to be around when I am this way. I snap at innocent remarks...I had to force myself to remove myself from people and events that were sure to set me off. But the kindest remark can be the ignition to my burst of temper.
My temper is devastating. I have made grown men cry with the barb of my sharp tongue. In fury, my 5'3" self can stand 8' tall. People in my path feel they need to take cover.
Recognizing where I was headed, I made a lot of changes to my thought direction by getting involved with tidbits of news here and there. I prayed and asked that I LET God into my life to guide and protect me. But I can be so confused about god too.
God is...., right? God has no gender, right? God is with us 24/7, right?
So I soared high and then the first hurdle of the week was cleared. An immense sense of relief washed over me. Once again I could sleep and shut down my overactive brain. For one night I was able to shut down all thoughts and catch up on precious sleep.
But then I sensed I was driving upward again. To be so afraid of what is too high and what is too low is always a constant worry in my life's experience. Am I too happy? Am I too sad? Maybe my sadness or happiness has a good reason and just about anyone would feel like I do???
So I drove high again on Tuesday night after a day of running around on Tuesday, an unproductive day. I thought Tuesday I'd go to the doctor, get my physical, and walk away with papers saying I could drive again. HA! They weren't prepared at the doctor's office. They weren't able to proceed with the appointment because they had failed to get the previous doctor's paperwork. I was put in a position where I had to correct their error. I was put on a wild goose chase. I think I now know what needs to be done to complete a simple task, but I'm so tired now.
Wednesday I set out to accomplish two goals. I had a job interview that I wanted to nail. I left the interview with no idea as to how well (or not well) I was received. But I had spent the last of my energy. My appointment to gather paperwork from the DOT to help the doctor out was cancelled. All I wanted to do was to crawl into bed. So I gave in...
In IMPROVE...V stands for vacation. I took a short vacation from my week's worries. For fifteen to thirty minutes I just melted away. And initially it felt good.
Returning to my problems I tried to at least manage what I can manage at the moment. I did some simple cleaning. Not nearly enough...
I addressed Christmas cards in the hopes that the distraction would take me away from other real problems that only substantial time will rectify...it wasn't enough.
I entertained my sister for a brief while this morning. I assured her I was doing well, and I was while she was here...but it wasn't enough.
Tonight I'm feeling the urge to succumb to my desire to isolate and withdraw. But I can't dwell there. The lows are so much more horrible than the highs. In the lows I become very scared of myself. So now I am searching through my toolbox of methods I use to alleviate such emotion.
I like to write, so I'm writing.
I can't write all night. So I'll next check out Facebook....maybe not.
I will again try to pray for god to just be in my life. I learned last summer never to expect god, but to accept god. I'm so tempted to make demands of god though. But what I really want is to feel the burden lift from my shoulders a bit.
O in IMPROVE means one-mindful. I can listen to some Native American Flute to relax my mind and let it be emptied.
And the hardest part for me right now is to offer myself Encouragement. But I can tell myself, You are fighting the good fight. You can win. You will learn from it no matter what. You can get through this.
What a fight it is to return or stop a low!
I don't know if I will ever get ahead. I try and as soon as something seems to be working, I start to falter and lose more than what I have gained.
I started turning my wheels on the weekend and spent countless hours trying to figure out what it was I needed to do. This dwelling on money cost me two nights of sleep. I need my sleep hygiene - a regular pattern of sleep - to perform at my best. But I forged ahead without the sleep. And then I became irritable. I'm not nice to be around when I am this way. I snap at innocent remarks...I had to force myself to remove myself from people and events that were sure to set me off. But the kindest remark can be the ignition to my burst of temper.
My temper is devastating. I have made grown men cry with the barb of my sharp tongue. In fury, my 5'3" self can stand 8' tall. People in my path feel they need to take cover.
Recognizing where I was headed, I made a lot of changes to my thought direction by getting involved with tidbits of news here and there. I prayed and asked that I LET God into my life to guide and protect me. But I can be so confused about god too.
God is...., right? God has no gender, right? God is with us 24/7, right?
So I soared high and then the first hurdle of the week was cleared. An immense sense of relief washed over me. Once again I could sleep and shut down my overactive brain. For one night I was able to shut down all thoughts and catch up on precious sleep.
But then I sensed I was driving upward again. To be so afraid of what is too high and what is too low is always a constant worry in my life's experience. Am I too happy? Am I too sad? Maybe my sadness or happiness has a good reason and just about anyone would feel like I do???
So I drove high again on Tuesday night after a day of running around on Tuesday, an unproductive day. I thought Tuesday I'd go to the doctor, get my physical, and walk away with papers saying I could drive again. HA! They weren't prepared at the doctor's office. They weren't able to proceed with the appointment because they had failed to get the previous doctor's paperwork. I was put in a position where I had to correct their error. I was put on a wild goose chase. I think I now know what needs to be done to complete a simple task, but I'm so tired now.
Wednesday I set out to accomplish two goals. I had a job interview that I wanted to nail. I left the interview with no idea as to how well (or not well) I was received. But I had spent the last of my energy. My appointment to gather paperwork from the DOT to help the doctor out was cancelled. All I wanted to do was to crawl into bed. So I gave in...
In IMPROVE...V stands for vacation. I took a short vacation from my week's worries. For fifteen to thirty minutes I just melted away. And initially it felt good.
Returning to my problems I tried to at least manage what I can manage at the moment. I did some simple cleaning. Not nearly enough...
I addressed Christmas cards in the hopes that the distraction would take me away from other real problems that only substantial time will rectify...it wasn't enough.
I entertained my sister for a brief while this morning. I assured her I was doing well, and I was while she was here...but it wasn't enough.
Tonight I'm feeling the urge to succumb to my desire to isolate and withdraw. But I can't dwell there. The lows are so much more horrible than the highs. In the lows I become very scared of myself. So now I am searching through my toolbox of methods I use to alleviate such emotion.
I like to write, so I'm writing.
I can't write all night. So I'll next check out Facebook....maybe not.
I will again try to pray for god to just be in my life. I learned last summer never to expect god, but to accept god. I'm so tempted to make demands of god though. But what I really want is to feel the burden lift from my shoulders a bit.
O in IMPROVE means one-mindful. I can listen to some Native American Flute to relax my mind and let it be emptied.
And the hardest part for me right now is to offer myself Encouragement. But I can tell myself, You are fighting the good fight. You can win. You will learn from it no matter what. You can get through this.
What a fight it is to return or stop a low!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Not every emotional response needs a pill - especially regarding children
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-b-peters-phd/10-steps-for-parent-and-kids-to-taming-the-worry-monster_b_4345171.html?utm_hp_ref=healthy-living&ir=Healthy+Living
This article list 10 steps to teach a child from little on how to tackle anxiety.
This article list 10 steps to teach a child from little on how to tackle anxiety.
A milestone...reentering the work force
Today is my to dazzle! I excitedly interview for my dream job. I am preparing to give this opportunity my best effort.
Pray that nothing goes wrong and that the hiring party is in fact DAZZLED!
Pray that nothing goes wrong and that the hiring party is in fact DAZZLED!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Dedicated to IMPROVE'ing
IMPROVE:
These are the
steps to remember as one transforms to better living.
I stands for
Imagery. Picture yourself in a place
where you feel calm, positive, hopeful, and good about yourself. Maybe you see yourself on a beach with
beautiful warm sand between your toes and lovely water and vegetation
surrounding you. You feel your freed
spirit and are light on your feet. Maybe
you see yourself fishing, camping, or remember the last time you felt
successful in your life. Do you feel
your confidence and pride?
M represents
Meaning. We all need to accept that we
are in life for a reason. Maybe you are
here to be a parent, partner, soul mate, caregiver, or career person. We belong on this earth.
P is Prayer. Let God into your life to wash away defeat,
give you strength, courage, and wisdom.
R lets a person
Relax. Practice breathing through your
nose and out your mouth. Shut your eyes
and feel tension leave your muscles.
Take a cat nap.
O stands for one-mindfully. Focus on just one step at a time.
Vacation says
to give yourself a break. Take time for
yourself for at least an hour each day.
Exercise, bathe in a warm bath, or walk.
This can be an hour or a day. Set
time for just you.
Encouragement
is the practice of self-talk and support from others.
Please Give
At my sickest, I accumulated bills for extensive treatment, medication, and follow up care. To take care of myself and to return to the working world, I have been in intensive out patient programs. All of my care was for me to feel better and to enhance my relationship with my family, friends, and community. It is now my turn to teach society about people like me and to advocate for equal standing. All of this takes money...money I do not have. But you can help me out. Thank you!
https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/ftl3/road-to-recovery?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_stream.share&utm_campaign=dashboard_overview_T1&fb_ref=1640788
https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/ftl3/road-to-recovery?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_stream.share&utm_campaign=dashboard_overview_T1&fb_ref=1640788
De-stigmatize Mental Diseases
STIGMA means a social disgrace. Stigma surrounds a person with a mental illness and probably the addictions to alcohol, food, and drugs that are often related to the illnesses. This social stigmatization means that a person is feared, dreaded, and perhaps hated because he or she is viewed as "crazy" or "insane."
It also is related to criminalization of the illnesses. Because people fear the stigma of mental illness, rather than seek assistance or help, he or she may resort to taking actions that in the end turn out to be illegal. An example would be a person who is delusional but untreated storming into a store and yelling at the workers.
My theory is that we as a nation and then as the world can eliminate social disgrace or stigma surrounding the illness. This is done by speaking out and sharing what it is really like to have a specific illness. It also means letting others know we are taking responsibility to become healthier. We advocate that we still have meaning in this world.
One way you can join in this effort is by going to Facebook and liking the following page:
https://www.facebook.com/destigmatize
It also is related to criminalization of the illnesses. Because people fear the stigma of mental illness, rather than seek assistance or help, he or she may resort to taking actions that in the end turn out to be illegal. An example would be a person who is delusional but untreated storming into a store and yelling at the workers.
My theory is that we as a nation and then as the world can eliminate social disgrace or stigma surrounding the illness. This is done by speaking out and sharing what it is really like to have a specific illness. It also means letting others know we are taking responsibility to become healthier. We advocate that we still have meaning in this world.
One way you can join in this effort is by going to Facebook and liking the following page:
https://www.facebook.com/destigmatize
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Broadening my horizon...
I've been debilitated by my diseases for the past seven years. I have been working hard this year after rebounding from a suicide attempt that was nearly complete. I had been sick and not selfish.
I've found great support through STEPPS at Eyerly Ball in Des Moines Iowa. I have also begun serious work with my psychiatrist and coordinator through Broadlawns Medical Center. I have picked myself up and brushed myself off.
And now I am ready for the next step in my life. I want to earn my Master's degree in social psychology from Iowa State University. I'd love to move on from this to earn my doctorate. I have vision and clarity.
I am so relieved to say I have achieved recovery from my illnesses. I pray that I never fully relapse. I must remember that recovery still means daily work on my part.
I've found great support through STEPPS at Eyerly Ball in Des Moines Iowa. I have also begun serious work with my psychiatrist and coordinator through Broadlawns Medical Center. I have picked myself up and brushed myself off.
And now I am ready for the next step in my life. I want to earn my Master's degree in social psychology from Iowa State University. I'd love to move on from this to earn my doctorate. I have vision and clarity.
I am so relieved to say I have achieved recovery from my illnesses. I pray that I never fully relapse. I must remember that recovery still means daily work on my part.
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