What if...????

What If are the two biggest words in my vocabulary.  They are so frequently used I may as well be known as Amy "What If" Goreham.  And today I'm analyzing the hell out of this kind of thinking.  It just so happens to be occurring to me that maybe "what if" would affect me less if I had never entertained those notions - "what if" I could just accept things as they are?

"What if" I think has two faces on the same coin.  On heads up, those two words are very optimistic and motivating.  For example I've been down about my living situation.  I'd love to move into a bigger place and have a better view.  For a million reasons why, I can't.  So if I say, "What if" I clean, rearrange furniture and buy new drapes will have succeeded in giving myself the illusion of a new start? 

"What if" thinking allows me to be imaginative and creative.  I LOVE creating characters that are dynamic and strong.  When I say to myself, "What if this character could do this...?" a whole new dimension of my character is created.  My character's life becomes exciting.

"What if" thinking helps me think "outside the box."  An example of this occurred today.  I admit that I am near the end of my month's allowance and don't get paid again until the 3rd of the month.  That means that everything I do means doing things differently to stretch my remaining $8 over the next three days.  And simple things like what I'll eat for lunch are having to be planned carefully - I have NO money for a few days.  So I think - I have lettuce, albacore, dressing - can I make a good salad with just that?  "What if" I could zest it up with some fresh onion?

And laundry....! I am down to the last clean clothes I own.  Yes, yes, yes.  When money arrives I'll have laundry money.  But until then, "what if" I mix and match this clean pair of pants with that outfit's clean shirt?  I am virtually creating a new style of women's wear by the day just stretch my clean clothes supply.

So there are indeed uses for "what if" thinking.  But I must admit I over use it to express my fears, set backs, and depression.  "What if" I did make it big someday????  "What if" I had money????  "What if" I just give up and swallow the pills now?  "What if" I had not chosen to go out that one night when I met the world's biggest asshole?  "What if" Ebola really does come to my neighborhood?

I am plagued by the words "what if."  I am going to truly resolve to change my language.  Whenever I am tempted to ask "what if," I'll think instead to say "whatever will be will be."  "What if" I could do that?

Maybe I'll change - maybe I won't.  "What if" it is ok just to be the "what iffer" that I am?