Writing Josh's story is quite the journey for me and oddly is revealing something about my overall mood. He's without a doubt intended to be a character you just can't sum up in one simple descriptor. He's not supposed to be "good" or "bad" What he is - is complicated.
Last September in my efforts to create him on paper, he went from being this dynamic man to simply being EVIL. That was such the wrong impression of him. It saddened me to be quite truthful. And then I think back on the real stress in my life that was manifesting itself.
In particular, my representative payee wasn't doing his job: costing me services, my credit standing, and great deals of stress. I was angry at many I saw as letting me down and saw them as abusive to be quite honest. I think that reflected in my writing.
Yesterday I was motivated to redo several chapters and get the story back on track. I've really been doing well. A few hours I read more crap about national news - in particular the Ferguson crap - and it's soured my perspective. I'm once again taking my frustrations out on my character and showing my BPD thinking which says that life operates in two forms - black and white with no grey; right or wrong; all or none. This is my thinking on so much and indicative of a condition I have. Regardless, it can't be the description of Josh. He is far above that. I guess it is simply time to walk away from him again and take a breather. Maybe I'll take a nap. No matter what, I need to unwind and refocus. I do really want to tell his magnificent story, but I must take the time to do it justice.
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