It is not news to anyone who knows me that I suffer from two debilitating illnesses. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 when I was 26 and a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (now called emotional intensity disorder) about ten years ago. In one way it is good to have a name for what plagues me and given such diagnoses I've been able to meet others who also suffer from these situations - I'm not alone.
But what does this all mean?
For starters I am a very sensitive person. If I see happiness, I tend to feel that happiness and the opposite is true when I see sadness. I'm very in tune to emotions in general. And sometimes this is a good thing.
How being emotional has helped me reflects in my writing - a pursuit I enjoy more than anything. I feel passion about so much that it comes out in what I put down in my books. I "think" I can accurately describe the deep emotions a person feels about himself or herself. There really is no middle ground - emotions and ideas are there and they are strong or they just don't exist.
But being emotional means I feel all the negative things that much more too. And my process for attributing their cause may be skewed. I'm currently dealing with a lot of garbage regarding the way a payee has mismanaged my monthly funds. It is their job - something they are paid to do - to be sure my monthly funds are managed correctly and making sure I am never in the red regarding my bills. But this agency I pay has been letting me down. I have been trying to stay in the middle with my emotions about this. I am to tell myself that life happens - I can't control everything. But the truth is I feel betrayed and taken advantage of. It is affecting everything I do. Even my fiction writing is suffering.
So now I have to wonder. Am I justified in how I feel or is it just amplified by my illnesses? I think there is a bit of both.
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