I don't feel anything. I don't know what to think really. I'm not happy, of course, but I'm not sad either. I just am.
What I do know is that my mom was one of the greatest women to grace this planet. She was a strong person and so very smart. She was a caregiver, cook, bus driver, plumber, electrician, gardener. Indeed she wore a lot of hats. She IS Mom.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Friday, November 28, 2014
Nebraska (my review of movie now on video)
I watched the movie, Nebraska today. It reminded me of watching my parents age. My dad was a lot like the old man in the movie. My dad had been a drinker, generous to friends, proud, crusty old guy. He had served the country in WW2 and had been a very hard worker all his life. The day he lost his license to drive really made him old. And reminded him of perhaps other regrets in life.
He too would have been swayed by an announcement - though evidently a hoax - that he'd won a million dollars. I can only imagine his let down.
And I admit there were times that my parents just seemed to function together - that one had to wonder if their match had ever been a romance and if they still loved each other currently. Of course they did. In the very end, both parents expressed their love.
So the movie inspired me to think of old people and my parents specifically. But I must say the movie was long and at times boring. Watch it if you haven't, but be prepared. I nearly fell asleep half way through it.
He too would have been swayed by an announcement - though evidently a hoax - that he'd won a million dollars. I can only imagine his let down.
And I admit there were times that my parents just seemed to function together - that one had to wonder if their match had ever been a romance and if they still loved each other currently. Of course they did. In the very end, both parents expressed their love.
So the movie inspired me to think of old people and my parents specifically. But I must say the movie was long and at times boring. Watch it if you haven't, but be prepared. I nearly fell asleep half way through it.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Complications with telling Josh's story...the conflict arises from a BPD mind
Writing Josh's story is quite the journey for me and oddly is revealing something about my overall mood. He's without a doubt intended to be a character you just can't sum up in one simple descriptor. He's not supposed to be "good" or "bad" What he is - is complicated.
Last September in my efforts to create him on paper, he went from being this dynamic man to simply being EVIL. That was such the wrong impression of him. It saddened me to be quite truthful. And then I think back on the real stress in my life that was manifesting itself.
In particular, my representative payee wasn't doing his job: costing me services, my credit standing, and great deals of stress. I was angry at many I saw as letting me down and saw them as abusive to be quite honest. I think that reflected in my writing.
Yesterday I was motivated to redo several chapters and get the story back on track. I've really been doing well. A few hours I read more crap about national news - in particular the Ferguson crap - and it's soured my perspective. I'm once again taking my frustrations out on my character and showing my BPD thinking which says that life operates in two forms - black and white with no grey; right or wrong; all or none. This is my thinking on so much and indicative of a condition I have. Regardless, it can't be the description of Josh. He is far above that. I guess it is simply time to walk away from him again and take a breather. Maybe I'll take a nap. No matter what, I need to unwind and refocus. I do really want to tell his magnificent story, but I must take the time to do it justice.
Last September in my efforts to create him on paper, he went from being this dynamic man to simply being EVIL. That was such the wrong impression of him. It saddened me to be quite truthful. And then I think back on the real stress in my life that was manifesting itself.
In particular, my representative payee wasn't doing his job: costing me services, my credit standing, and great deals of stress. I was angry at many I saw as letting me down and saw them as abusive to be quite honest. I think that reflected in my writing.
Yesterday I was motivated to redo several chapters and get the story back on track. I've really been doing well. A few hours I read more crap about national news - in particular the Ferguson crap - and it's soured my perspective. I'm once again taking my frustrations out on my character and showing my BPD thinking which says that life operates in two forms - black and white with no grey; right or wrong; all or none. This is my thinking on so much and indicative of a condition I have. Regardless, it can't be the description of Josh. He is far above that. I guess it is simply time to walk away from him again and take a breather. Maybe I'll take a nap. No matter what, I need to unwind and refocus. I do really want to tell his magnificent story, but I must take the time to do it justice.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
The thrill of telling Josh Sander's story...
Slowly rewriting the second half of Josh Sanders' story. I thought he was a lost cause to me last September when I began to tell his tale. I knew how I wanted him to develop - but he had gotten so bad and evil I just didn't know what to do with him any more (lol) He was becoming lost in translation.
Josh is my most dynamic character to date. He has been the strongest character with the most difficult story to tell since I dreamed him up in 2008. But I can tell you at the time, I was in his world and he definitely impacted mine. He still does to this day.
In truth there needs to be two stories about him. There are his younger years and then there are his older years to consider. All that is to be thought about later. What's important is that he's finally evolving on paper and I'm becoming more and more excited about introducing him to others.
His story is not at all your typical romance story. He has far too many layers to be summed up in just that regard. Though for sure there is a love story about him, he is a story of philosophy, politics, psychology and science. Can't wait to share him with you and other readers! You are bound to love him, hate him, and then hopefully respect him. He is DR. JOSHUA ADAM SANDERS!
Josh is my most dynamic character to date. He has been the strongest character with the most difficult story to tell since I dreamed him up in 2008. But I can tell you at the time, I was in his world and he definitely impacted mine. He still does to this day.
In truth there needs to be two stories about him. There are his younger years and then there are his older years to consider. All that is to be thought about later. What's important is that he's finally evolving on paper and I'm becoming more and more excited about introducing him to others.
His story is not at all your typical romance story. He has far too many layers to be summed up in just that regard. Though for sure there is a love story about him, he is a story of philosophy, politics, psychology and science. Can't wait to share him with you and other readers! You are bound to love him, hate him, and then hopefully respect him. He is DR. JOSHUA ADAM SANDERS!
Sunday, November 23, 2014
A Review of Wolf on Wall Street (over a year late LOL)
To pass the time this next week (a holiday week without any services or opportunity to meet with other family) I decided to get some movies as I hate all the football on TV this time of year. I had talked to Angela and she reminded me I could go to the library to get them. I thought they would be free, but they cost me two dollars a movie. I can have a balance of $10 with them and the movies have to be returned by next Saturday. I rented the Wolf on Wall Street, 12 years a slave, the butler, Philomena, Nebraska, and Thor. I was able to pay down $2 right of way.
The first movie I chose to watch today was the Wolf on Wall Street. What a movie! I thought it was supposed to be funny but it had me on the edge of my seat. What a strange movie. If you have a strong stomach for very explicit sex scenes and over-indulgence of drugs then you can get through the movie to learn about the bottom line. It was sad to see how badly money and greed corrupt someone but there was also an underlying message of true friendship and loyalty to one another. And then of course one could not deny seeing how back-stabbing and revenge could have such a serving role. The actors - who were all Oscar nominated a year ago - were truly awesome in this movie. On a scale of one to five, I give the movie a four.
The first movie I chose to watch today was the Wolf on Wall Street. What a movie! I thought it was supposed to be funny but it had me on the edge of my seat. What a strange movie. If you have a strong stomach for very explicit sex scenes and over-indulgence of drugs then you can get through the movie to learn about the bottom line. It was sad to see how badly money and greed corrupt someone but there was also an underlying message of true friendship and loyalty to one another. And then of course one could not deny seeing how back-stabbing and revenge could have such a serving role. The actors - who were all Oscar nominated a year ago - were truly awesome in this movie. On a scale of one to five, I give the movie a four.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
What if...????
What If are the two biggest words in my vocabulary. They are so frequently used I may as well be known as Amy "What If" Goreham. And today I'm analyzing the hell out of this kind of thinking. It just so happens to be occurring to me that maybe "what if" would affect me less if I had never entertained those notions - "what if" I could just accept things as they are?
"What if" I think has two faces on the same coin. On heads up, those two words are very optimistic and motivating. For example I've been down about my living situation. I'd love to move into a bigger place and have a better view. For a million reasons why, I can't. So if I say, "What if" I clean, rearrange furniture and buy new drapes will have succeeded in giving myself the illusion of a new start?
"What if" thinking allows me to be imaginative and creative. I LOVE creating characters that are dynamic and strong. When I say to myself, "What if this character could do this...?" a whole new dimension of my character is created. My character's life becomes exciting.
"What if" thinking helps me think "outside the box." An example of this occurred today. I admit that I am near the end of my month's allowance and don't get paid again until the 3rd of the month. That means that everything I do means doing things differently to stretch my remaining $8 over the next three days. And simple things like what I'll eat for lunch are having to be planned carefully - I have NO money for a few days. So I think - I have lettuce, albacore, dressing - can I make a good salad with just that? "What if" I could zest it up with some fresh onion?
And laundry....! I am down to the last clean clothes I own. Yes, yes, yes. When money arrives I'll have laundry money. But until then, "what if" I mix and match this clean pair of pants with that outfit's clean shirt? I am virtually creating a new style of women's wear by the day just stretch my clean clothes supply.
So there are indeed uses for "what if" thinking. But I must admit I over use it to express my fears, set backs, and depression. "What if" I did make it big someday???? "What if" I had money???? "What if" I just give up and swallow the pills now? "What if" I had not chosen to go out that one night when I met the world's biggest asshole? "What if" Ebola really does come to my neighborhood?
I am plagued by the words "what if." I am going to truly resolve to change my language. Whenever I am tempted to ask "what if," I'll think instead to say "whatever will be will be." "What if" I could do that?
Maybe I'll change - maybe I won't. "What if" it is ok just to be the "what iffer" that I am?
"What if" I think has two faces on the same coin. On heads up, those two words are very optimistic and motivating. For example I've been down about my living situation. I'd love to move into a bigger place and have a better view. For a million reasons why, I can't. So if I say, "What if" I clean, rearrange furniture and buy new drapes will have succeeded in giving myself the illusion of a new start?
"What if" thinking allows me to be imaginative and creative. I LOVE creating characters that are dynamic and strong. When I say to myself, "What if this character could do this...?" a whole new dimension of my character is created. My character's life becomes exciting.
"What if" thinking helps me think "outside the box." An example of this occurred today. I admit that I am near the end of my month's allowance and don't get paid again until the 3rd of the month. That means that everything I do means doing things differently to stretch my remaining $8 over the next three days. And simple things like what I'll eat for lunch are having to be planned carefully - I have NO money for a few days. So I think - I have lettuce, albacore, dressing - can I make a good salad with just that? "What if" I could zest it up with some fresh onion?
And laundry....! I am down to the last clean clothes I own. Yes, yes, yes. When money arrives I'll have laundry money. But until then, "what if" I mix and match this clean pair of pants with that outfit's clean shirt? I am virtually creating a new style of women's wear by the day just stretch my clean clothes supply.
So there are indeed uses for "what if" thinking. But I must admit I over use it to express my fears, set backs, and depression. "What if" I did make it big someday???? "What if" I had money???? "What if" I just give up and swallow the pills now? "What if" I had not chosen to go out that one night when I met the world's biggest asshole? "What if" Ebola really does come to my neighborhood?
I am plagued by the words "what if." I am going to truly resolve to change my language. Whenever I am tempted to ask "what if," I'll think instead to say "whatever will be will be." "What if" I could do that?
Maybe I'll change - maybe I won't. "What if" it is ok just to be the "what iffer" that I am?
Friday, October 24, 2014
Life happens - or so they say
It is not news to anyone who knows me that I suffer from two debilitating illnesses. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 when I was 26 and a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (now called emotional intensity disorder) about ten years ago. In one way it is good to have a name for what plagues me and given such diagnoses I've been able to meet others who also suffer from these situations - I'm not alone.
But what does this all mean?
For starters I am a very sensitive person. If I see happiness, I tend to feel that happiness and the opposite is true when I see sadness. I'm very in tune to emotions in general. And sometimes this is a good thing.
How being emotional has helped me reflects in my writing - a pursuit I enjoy more than anything. I feel passion about so much that it comes out in what I put down in my books. I "think" I can accurately describe the deep emotions a person feels about himself or herself. There really is no middle ground - emotions and ideas are there and they are strong or they just don't exist.
But being emotional means I feel all the negative things that much more too. And my process for attributing their cause may be skewed. I'm currently dealing with a lot of garbage regarding the way a payee has mismanaged my monthly funds. It is their job - something they are paid to do - to be sure my monthly funds are managed correctly and making sure I am never in the red regarding my bills. But this agency I pay has been letting me down. I have been trying to stay in the middle with my emotions about this. I am to tell myself that life happens - I can't control everything. But the truth is I feel betrayed and taken advantage of. It is affecting everything I do. Even my fiction writing is suffering.
So now I have to wonder. Am I justified in how I feel or is it just amplified by my illnesses? I think there is a bit of both.
But what does this all mean?
For starters I am a very sensitive person. If I see happiness, I tend to feel that happiness and the opposite is true when I see sadness. I'm very in tune to emotions in general. And sometimes this is a good thing.
How being emotional has helped me reflects in my writing - a pursuit I enjoy more than anything. I feel passion about so much that it comes out in what I put down in my books. I "think" I can accurately describe the deep emotions a person feels about himself or herself. There really is no middle ground - emotions and ideas are there and they are strong or they just don't exist.
But being emotional means I feel all the negative things that much more too. And my process for attributing their cause may be skewed. I'm currently dealing with a lot of garbage regarding the way a payee has mismanaged my monthly funds. It is their job - something they are paid to do - to be sure my monthly funds are managed correctly and making sure I am never in the red regarding my bills. But this agency I pay has been letting me down. I have been trying to stay in the middle with my emotions about this. I am to tell myself that life happens - I can't control everything. But the truth is I feel betrayed and taken advantage of. It is affecting everything I do. Even my fiction writing is suffering.
So now I have to wonder. Am I justified in how I feel or is it just amplified by my illnesses? I think there is a bit of both.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
We need someone like Bernie Sanders
For so long I have been voting not so much to put someone in office but to keep someone else out. Now I'm excited because I've been listening to https://www.facebook.com/senatorsanders who actually is talking about issues near and dear to me.
Economic justice - now that is something I can wrap my head (and heart) around.
I'm a person who uses assistance programs because my disability has prevented me from working. Oh I have tried to work - but I have real barriers that get in my way of being successful. So lately I've been trying to create myself - writing books (which I think I'm good at) and making them available for sale through amazon.com. So I am trying.
But this is what gets me. On Facebook I'm constantly reading how angry people are at those on assistance. They are blaming this group for taxing them financially and they assume that those who are poor just want to be poor and feed off others. MAYBE there is someone like that out there, but of the people I know who are on assistance programs this is so far from the truth. We have had dreams "of being somebody someday." None of us have had the dream that we wanted to be at the mercy of others. We didn't dream that someday we'd need welfare.
I think who we need to be angry at are the billionaires who don't pay their fair share of taxes and don't treat their employees right. Wal-Mart is a fine example. The Waltons don't care about their employees - working people still requiring assistance because they just aren't paid fairly. They are workers - not simply "leaches" on the middle class. They are trying to make something of themselves but just can't because the rich, rich are very selfish people in my opinion.
We need someone in office who can break away from being a democrat or republican - those two groups just aren't serving American people any more in my opinion. We need someone different who truly stands up for American citizens. We need a champion and if Bernie Sanders (someone who has been giving me hope) runs, he'll get my complete endorsement and everyone I know will just have to get to know him and stand behind him. We need change and I think he's the answer.
Economic justice - now that is something I can wrap my head (and heart) around.
I'm a person who uses assistance programs because my disability has prevented me from working. Oh I have tried to work - but I have real barriers that get in my way of being successful. So lately I've been trying to create myself - writing books (which I think I'm good at) and making them available for sale through amazon.com. So I am trying.
But this is what gets me. On Facebook I'm constantly reading how angry people are at those on assistance. They are blaming this group for taxing them financially and they assume that those who are poor just want to be poor and feed off others. MAYBE there is someone like that out there, but of the people I know who are on assistance programs this is so far from the truth. We have had dreams "of being somebody someday." None of us have had the dream that we wanted to be at the mercy of others. We didn't dream that someday we'd need welfare.
I think who we need to be angry at are the billionaires who don't pay their fair share of taxes and don't treat their employees right. Wal-Mart is a fine example. The Waltons don't care about their employees - working people still requiring assistance because they just aren't paid fairly. They are workers - not simply "leaches" on the middle class. They are trying to make something of themselves but just can't because the rich, rich are very selfish people in my opinion.
We need someone in office who can break away from being a democrat or republican - those two groups just aren't serving American people any more in my opinion. We need someone different who truly stands up for American citizens. We need a champion and if Bernie Sanders (someone who has been giving me hope) runs, he'll get my complete endorsement and everyone I know will just have to get to know him and stand behind him. We need change and I think he's the answer.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Find me on Amazon.com
I have five books available that may interest you. Here's a link to one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1502586584
Another Facebook Page
Join me in collaborating ideas to get dreams and fiction out there for others to read.Escape in Fairy Tales
Monday, May 5, 2014
Publishing my fiction work...
I have been interested the past several years in publishing a book. I think I'm a talented writer. I have been strongly encouraged since college years to publish something and now I have the confidence to do so. The following are links to my books available through Kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K4KDQTS
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K4Q2F44
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K4KDQTS
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K4Q2F44
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