My Life Video - what I need to see to mend

I made this last December after my sister died on December 24.  I made it as a way for me to show how my life has been.  This video really isn't complete because I know there's so much more that it just does not say.  But it says the most important of it.

All of my life is and always has been about my family.  My life has been about a picture perfect life.  I grew up knowing both sides of my family grandparents.  That's where life began - those people in certain walks of life, certain kinds of history and social/economic setting, certain kinds of perceptions produced to very unique people who really were very OPPOSITE in some ways.  In a town where there was German and Irish - even separate churches - the two came together and created this HUGE family.

The first song of this video reflects that family.  We were - I thought - close, loving, down-to-earth people.  We were innocent, carefree, invincible.  The idea of something Over the Rainbow was reality because life already was perfect and it could only get better.

And then tragedy strikes - from nowhere - and destroys all I ever knew and believed.  I lost Dean on June 2, 1990.  I have never been the same.  He took his life.  He left me, betrayed me.  He left me with unanswered questions.  He made me feel less than perfect.  He made me feel OUT-OF-CONTROL.  He made me see that there is darkness and that I am vulnerable to it too.  Life isn't always over the rainbow.  He also taught me that taking one's life really is an option - whether good or bad; right or wrong - it can be done.

I lost my dad in April of 2008.  I had yet to have one really good last story with him.  Did you know that?  He told the best stories.  He got me hooked on telling stories.  OH...he and I could argue crazy-like.  I'm not sure which of us has the worst temper.  But I'm sure of one thing.  I'm my father's daughter (and I miss him.)

The video has an error!  I hate making errors.  My mom died on December 1, 2014.  Two conflicting emotions settled in me: 1.  She's at rest now.  I'm ok with that.  She had a good life.  It's ok for her to be at peace.  2.  THIS ISN'T FAIR!  I miss my mom.  I have missed my mom for three years.  I want her here.

Judy - the one sibling I could always go to for solid advice, a warm voice, to hear a genuine "I love you" died on December 24, 2014.  Abandoned!  Robbed!  CHALLENGED!  HALTED in time!  DEVASTATED!

And then there's the "go to song."  When all is done and said - life keeps going.

Last song - Let It Be - means just that.  Call on what faith I have left in Heaven above.  See the nieces and nephews - and THEIR children - to know that life keeps going. 

And in the end - I hope the video shows that I RESURFACE.  I'm OK!  I have two new pets.  I can still smile.  I am still living.  AND...I have remembered this:
And then one day she remembered that the only one who could make her happy was HERSELF.  So she took back her power and shined like never before.

https://youtu.be/CDaTMkt93Nk

How to survive another CRASH!

There are parts of my journaling that are so important. Yes - step 1 is to look at the event(s) - some call triggers - that started whatever emotions one is having. But then the rest of the steps say to identify those emotions, describe your physical condition, examine the way your thoughts are going, CHALLENGE those thoughts, DISTRACT yourself from anything negative or that isn't working, COMMUNICATE what is going on, and then DECIDE how to respond....All of this is SO IMP...ORTANT and I swear to God, Allah, Buddha, and the Door Knob it works MOST of the TIME. But sometimes it is SOOOO HARD. Here is my Emotional Continuum...My Journal....
Event(s) I can't pinpoint them. Maybe it's a combination of events. I've been working hard, the sun ducked behind the clouds for almost ten days, drama happens in the work place that I don't like, constant conflict with family members have put such rifts in our family they cannot be mended, AND I know I'm STILL GRIEVING.
Physical Sensations: My chest is so heavy, constricted. I can hardly breathe. My lower back hurts so bad it shoots pains down my legs and into my feet. I have this sharp, stabbing pain in the lower left part of my abdomen - right in front of where it shoots out like a sharp pain through my back, on rare moments I am certain I have to throw up. I'm jittery, tired but can't sleep, sick.
Emotions: DEPRESSION, ANGER, ABANDONED, TIRED OF IT, STUCK, LET DOWN, SICK WITH GRIEF, LONGING, LONELY
Thoughts: When does this - this whatever I'm going through - end? Why is it happening now? I'm a failure. I'll never, ever be free of my mind, pain, life. What would happen if I stopped breathing and died tonight? Would I suddenly, finally feel free? What if that doesn't really happen - that life and death are not LINEAR events but something else and it - this - can never really be escaped?
CHALLENGE: I can do this. I can help myself. I've done this. I've survived this. There will be another, better day.
DISTRACT: Write in my journal. Puke. Sob - it is OK to let it all out. Take a warm bath. Breathe slowly.
COMMUNICATE: I did talk to the doctors. I did call a worker. I am telling others through writing - even if it is social media. Keep talking to someone until someone listens - hears me. Talk to Mom, Judy and Dean. They aren't on earth but I bet they can hear me. I bet they can feel me. I bet they are doing their best to help me. They always have and they always will. I need to be open to feel them in my heart and hear their words in my head. I need to just go to them in spirit - that's what I need in truth. I need my spirit nurtured.
Decisions: Take that bath. Listen to music. Look at pictures. Cry.