I AM REBORN! I felt dead inside and alone. I found precious HOPE.

 

Do you know what Hope is?

It’s magic and it’s free.

It’s not in a prescription.

It’s not in an IV.

It punctuates our laughter.

It sparkles in our tears.

It simmers under sorrows.

And dissipates our fears.

 

Do you know what Hope is?

It’s reaching past today.

It’s dreaming of tomorrow.

It’s trying a new way.

It’s pushing past impossible.

It’s pounding on the door.

It’s questioning the Answer.

It’s always seeking more.

It rumors of a break.

It whispers of a cure.

A roller coaster ride.

Of remedies, unsure.

 

 

Do you know what Hope is?

It’s candy for the soul.

It’s perfume of the spirit,

To share it,

Makes you Whole.

~Author Unknown

Chapter 1

It was a difficult time for me.  I never realized I was a perfectionist.  It was 1995 and I was at college, the University of Northern Iowa at that.  I had risen to success in my first professional position since graduating Iowa State University in 1991.  In four years I had believed I had managed to leap buildings in a single bound.  Before I fell, I needed in my opinion a new avenue.  I thought I needed a way to escape inevitable censure – or so I thought.   In my own mind I feared I’d make a mistake or maybe the first four years was just luck.  I began to create demons in my own mind.  I was feeling as a psychologist at a facility for adults with disabilities, I exceeded expectations and received a top level promotion after a month of entry level work.  But I was losing steam and ambition for the job.  I couldn’t explain the false sense of highs and lows.  Was there something wrong with me or others?  Was I being compared to others?  Was I good enough?

 I found an escape and ran with it.  In a short time and without real reason I was determined to start over. I was beginning a pattern of instability in jobs.  I was unaware of my streak until much older and new jobs every three years at most and sometimes after a single month.  But I always believed my future was right around the corner.  My success was outside of me.  I was plagued by feelings of inevitable doom.  I had to stay ahead of the punch.

In 1995, I started one semester of elementary education while working at the facility.  One semester of part time classes that encouraged my growing ambition.  I was getting straight A’s.  How could I go wrong?  I was not partying for the first time in my life.  There was no more alcohol for the time being.  I was ready for the new challenge.

It was working!  I was in a state of undeniable strength, wisdom, and determination!  I was the world; I was invincible!   I took on two jobs while going to school full time.  I was a commander in the Army Reserves and dedicated a lot of unpaid time to insure the training was right and perfect.  I worked at a quality restaurant as a hostess nearly every weekend and some week nights.  I worked part time hours at an adult facility. I was maintaining a full schedule - 22 credits - an A in every class. I was on top of the world with an abundance of energy.

The energy had begun to take a turn in my fall semester of 1996.  It was my last semester before starting student teaching.  I started to drink again.  I went from a directed immense high to a reckless high.  I was losing control of all performance in all areas of my life.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I was out of control and when threatened by my first B I crashed and fell into depression.  My anxiety was high.  I became my own worst enemy!  I had had it!  I sat on my bed with a gun trained to my heart.  My brother had successfully done the deed three years previously. Wasn’t it the solution to grief and misery?  I was distracted by the phone and began to weep.   My brother Lee called.  It was like he awakened me from my desperation.  I was honest with him and he told me to seek help.  I did!

I went to the campus psychiatrist.  He dared to tell me I had fallen in a puddle and didn’t know how to get out.  I needed to take steps and go a different direction and be okay with getting a B if need be.  I couldn’t accept this.  I went to the medical doctor.  He asked if I ever experienced highs and lows.  I admitted I had.  He said I was sick with bipolar disorder.  He gave me a script for lithium and Trazadone.  I nearly felt better immediately.  I continued school much calmer.  I earned my A.  I went on to my student teaching with a false sense of cure.  I stopped the medication but started a crazy high again.  My mentor noticed my erratic behavior and nearly flunked me.  I went back and asked him to reconsider.  He gave me a second try and a B for effort.  Though this destroyed my perfect grades, I was still hirable.  I accepted that I graduated Suma Cum Laude.  I now accept – a key concept – both doctors had accurately hinted at two diagnoses.  I had Bipolar 1 and Borderline Personality Disorder.  One is recognized as medical and is treated with medication; the other is behavioral and requires facing facts and changing a life time of bad habits.  But at 26 I saw both “labels” as debilitating and presuming I was broken.  Nothing could be wrong with my brain or my mind!